Every incident changes life. But some have more gravity.. don’t they?
With such an incident, I have become the “man of the house” : a transition from ‘responsibility-is-optional’ state to ‘responsible-for-a-family’ state.
Not that I feel crushed under the pressure. It was anyway bound to happen at some point of time… (perhaps 20-30 years down the lane though).
The transition was testing… Being angry at the system.. which delayed medical treatment to him for two hours… anger was the dominant emotion.
Moments of irrationality… even when I knew I was irrational, I continued to be irrational for sometime.
Now when I look back, it is strange that I broke into tears.. thinking that he was alone in that long, narrow box in the mortuary.. I knew, it was just a body; I’ve never believed in soul. Still I considered that body to be a person. Irrational? or too emotional? (are they the same? ;) )
Saw and experienced quite a lot. More than anything else, saw the real faces of some people.
- How can you trust someone who is nice to you but not to others? Even though he shows the nice face now, the knowledge that he has two faces destroys the trust. Doesn’t it?
- Thanks to the ones who were just there when I couldn’t afford to break down. If nothing else, I’ve at least made some GREAT friends.
- I also figured it out from experience – why do people believe in God, heaven and such. It is some sort of escapism…. which guarantees peace of mind. [By the way, I am, now, more inclined to militant atheism, than ever before.]
- The complexity, loopholes, pitfalls and defects of the bureaucracy were well revealed. Corruption and bribe – unbelievable!
- Not to mention the heights of turmoil+agitation.
- The list goes on and on and on..
If I am as observant as others say I am, I must have known him better than anyone else. And with that I should say, he was a good man, a very good man, a great dad (of course, not faultless). His absence won’t create a practical/financial/similar void…. but a void which can never be filled with anything but him.
He’d have been happy to know that hundreds of people came to have a final look at him. (I myself had royally underestimated his popularity)
Anyway, the show has to go on; time will heal everything... I get a new role in life and I’ll try to play it well. As I told him just before lighting the pyre, I’ll make sure to live a life which’ll make him proud. And will be there for my mom and sis.
(again irrational right? do I need to promise that I’ll be a good man? Am I not trying to be so even otherwise? Anyway, let me have some cultural/traditional things in me… can’t hurt too much)
Signing off, Sands.
PS: Funny that, I hope/wish that nobody has to go through what I went through, even though it was on of the most teaching and revealing experiences in my life. (Am I that selfish? ;) )