I used to think, the crucial growing (mentally, philosophically) period of a male is from 16-21. It is the time at which he puts the foundation of his character, principles, basic philosophies etc. But now it seems that similar things are still happening to me. I never wanted to be a perfectionist. But I am slowly becoming one.
Lately, I am getting irritated a lot by my own mistakes. I know I have grown to a stage that no more mistakes are entertained. Others might be able to take that. But I am not able to accept that I made a mistake. Whether it is a single dialogue or a decision or a deed. I want to do the RIGHT thing. I am sure, this is not the influence of Mr. Narayanan (Courtesy: Mr. Ramakrishnan). But I am slowly developing this perfectionist feeling.
Lot of dreams.. lot of them that even telling/writing them out would make people laugh at me. And the tension/question that how will I catch my dreams? How long will it take? Am I working enough for that? The first two questions don’t have clear cut answers and will never have clear answers – since the dreams grow further when I reach near them. But the answer for the third question is “NO”. I know I have to work more. Then why not? (My favorite questions are Why and Why not?)
Yes, Why not? Is it because I am not dreaming enough to work for it? Or is there any other obstacle? Not able to figure out. Still things are not hopeless. Just that they are a little slow. I have to finish my PhD in 3 years from now – that is the maximum time I can give for it.
I know what I lack now. It happens that my friends who can give me that fire are not with me. For that matter, how many friends do I have? By friends I mean those who know me truly to the core? Very few. I always think that I am rich in the case of friends. Not really. Some got married – especially one I had admired very much as a person and that friendship is not going to be that strong anymore. Were we friends ever? I don’t know.
I don’t want to make a count of lost ones nor the ones I have now. I just know that the ones who can boost me up are not with me now. So, everything I do has to come from my own energy, enthusiasm, motivation. And that is really very difficult. Being my own PM.
Tonight seems to be a good one. The regular meetings with prof used to boost me up to a good level. Tonight something else also happened to help me gain a little more momentum.
In another 70 days I’ll be home for my first vacation. Before I go home, I should have done a good deal of my literature-survey and other stuff. Once I am back, I should be ready to have my hands on something solid. Yes, the transition from a computer scientist to a mathematician is affecting me. Actually the transition is a little slow. I believe that is always so. If it is very easy, then it’s not worth it … any one can do. If it takes time and hard work, then only a chosen few can do it and I have to be one among them…
Enough for tonight… I have started blabbering…