Born to Burn

There is fire inside me. Yes, it is burning - the fire which gives energy to me, the motive power - the source of energy, the energy which is flowing through me, to my dear people when they need it - The Internal Combustion Engine.

The past one week, not even a single day I have slept more than 5:30 hours. I have just begun a new phase of my life. Saturday and Sunday, I didn't touch books. It was a break - the Quiet before the Storm. The storm is on it's way.

I am not ready to compromise. I want to study well and have a wonderful extra-curricular life too. It's a pity that a day is only 24 hours long. Starting at 6:00 in the morning, by 10:00 at night, I am pretty tired. Still I go till 12:30. This will be only for a couple of days more. Then I'll get used to it.

Yesterday went for the movie "300". I guess the hype was a little more than it deserved. But I should tell, the dialogues are really well measured and very precise, concise and crisp. With the bare minimum dialogues the movie stands different. It's actually very well done. And, this movie was the only movie in the past two months.

This semester, other than my regular work, I have to help some friends. This is going to be tough. They need help with - Automata Theory, CFG, Complexity - sounds very easy to learn - not so easy to teach. I have forgotten them too, means I should start from scratch.

They want - Number Theory, Optimization. Number theory is something which I've been wanting to learn well for quite some time. I am happy I will have to learn optimization too. The book by Paul Halmos had already inspired me to learn his favorite area of math.

Finally, there was an incident which flattered me so much. Some one told me that I am a "coolnerd". What is this cool nerd? - "coolnerds are brainy folks who manage to somehow study as much as they have fun" - this is what he says.

It's only I who know what the truth is. But when I feel that the perception other have is what I want to perceive myself... It at least makes me happy and also motivates.

Signing off, Sands.

PS: A funny thing. I read the following in an article for PhD students.

Many graduate students suffer from insecurity, anxiety, and even boredom. First of all, realize that these are normal feelings.

Since when onwards, these are normal feelings? But I do agree with him completely.
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Digitalisation and many other changes

One month back I finished 25 years of life. When I turn back and look, I am satisfied and happy. I guess, I have done well till now, I do not have any regrets on anything.

When I think of the action which I consider to be one of the stupidest from me, it was persuading my father to get me a printer - while I was in 3rd semester of BTech. (hey, this 3rd sem of BTech is coming in this post too - I learned a lot then or what?). Finally, my father got me an HP Deskjet 640c. To be frank, that printer was not used by me properly - not even 100 pages I'd have printed with that! - and this is the stupidest one as far as I can think of.

Another thing should be my dare-devil driving. Both in bike and in car. The fact that I am still alive without having even a single accident - this is one of the wonders. I still get shudders when I think about my driving during those times. I am not bold enough to write some of the scariest incidents in this blog where my mother is a regular reader. Luckily, I am far better now. - my mother would vouch for it.

There were other things which I used to consider as stupid actions, but now I realise they were not.

Altogether, I was quite a nice person, quite successful till now.

Anyway, "jho ho gaya, so ho gaya", "past is past", "nadannathu nadannu" .. I have learned a lot also. Let me look forward.

Even though I have written it down a couple of times already, I want to write it again. I want to be more systematic and organised. Probably, from other people's point of view, I am one of the most organised one. They do not have even the faintest clue about what is Chaos!

Prioritization and time management are the key factors. I have not been very successful in these things till date. Trying to do a *lot* of things in a single go - that was the problem. I had never done things slowly. Whatever I've done till now were too easy for me. Now I am into something which is huge - really HUGE.

For the same reason, let me try some baby-step-giant-step methods. I just mean to say that I will starting slowly and then gain pace afterwards.

Another major change which I am going to make is 'digitalisation'. I am planning to move towards a paperless world of mine. There will be exceptions like - writing a letter to a friend etc. Otherwise, I do not want to have even a single piece of paper around me. Hey, no need to worry here - I will continue to write with my hand - just for the pleasure of it. Moving digital needs it's own perfection. Towards this end, I am doing everything in LaTeX and I am amzingly fast at this.

Finally, the most important thing - until I finish my PhD, I am going to eat math, drink math, think math and live life. For another 2-3 years, 5 days a week, I will be living in the library - yes, "Live in the Library". At the end of it, I'll come out as a pundit/guru.

That's pretty much about it.

An irrelevant thing: When I read blogs, even in a regularly visited blog, the first 2 paragraphs are enough for me to make up my mind - whether to continue or to leave the entry. And shockingly, I find that my blog falls in the 'leave it' category. Do people really read my blog? Or am I living in a fool's paradise?

Signing off, Sands.

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Paper Anniversary of This

This blog has entered its second year. Yeah, today is the birthday. This is the 86th post. That means, on an average there was one post in every 4 days. I went back to some of my old posts, looked at them, read them and also considered the thoughts I had when I posted them. I even looked into the style of writing which existed during those days. When I compare that with my present thoughts and style, I can see lot of differences.

My language and way of expressing ideas have improved by leaps and bounds. Surprisingly, my thoughts are more mature than those times. Yes, I am growing old and I ought to get matured, but seeing the growth, in front of my eyes... just like in a movie... gives me a lot of pleasure.

I still want to grow a lot more - both in terms of my thoughts and in terms of writing. There are many other fellow bloggers whom I admire - for their ideas and style. Some day I will catch up with them.

Now, to the matter. The past few days.. or weeks were probably the most stressful time in my life. Other than the reduced frequency of blog entries, I had not shown any symptoms of stress. My friend with whom I regularly talk, expressed that I had been a little pessimistic - lately. Yes, then that was a symptom.

I was facing some major problem related to my PhD life. I do not claim that it is over now, but after talking with professor, I am relieved for the moment. The problem was something like, I was put in the middle of an ocean and asked to swim.

I didn't know where to swim and how long I'll have to swim. Every direction except to the bottom - looked equally easy or difficult to move to. I could not manage to have a meeting with professor for about 40 days. So, the confidence level was steeply falling. Now, things are better.

Not that I know where to go. But rather than being confused, I have finally decided to go. To start with a small pace, but to be consistent and steady. Then to accelerate slowly.

I draw all my energy from my past - the fall in 3rd semester of BTech. Now I am happy that I had screwed up my 3rd semester then. I had rescued myself while I was sinking. If I could do that, now I'd do even better. Of course the problems are much bigger now, but I have all the techniques learned in 6+ years.

I wanted to write something more, but it is already a long post. I care for my readers. Yes, I do care for you my dear reader. :)

I wish happy b'day for my blog and good luck for me.

I have lot of pending things to finish, many things to catch up - will be busy for many coming days. Still, posting will be regular.

Signing off, Sands.

PS: Paper anniversary means first anniversary. Normally you give paper gifts on this anniversary (correct me if I am wrong)

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Being useful for the first time

It definitely was a shocking news to hear about the shooting incident in Virginia Tech - "A US shooting rampage at the Virginia Tech university has left 33 people, including a suspected gunman, dead".

I do not want to comment on that incident. Just shocked! that's all.

The first thought came was whether my friend who's pursuing his PhD@VirginiaTech is safe or not. I did not have any contact number or anything. The best I could do was to go to Orkut. Yes, the same orkut I think was/is a bug. Yes, the same orkut which I regret for introducing to my sister. After all that useless thing finally became of some use. My friend had changed his orkut profile name to "I am safe", I just saw that and came back.

I have always shared the feeling explained in this blog-entry (Orkut maniacs read it). But I am happy that it was after all not a complete wastage.

There had been a lot happening in life. Somehow wasn't in a mood to scribe it here. For eg:

1. Marriage of my cousin sister - which would have taken about 2 hours to write. And would be full of fun too.


2. Improvement of my German by leaps and bounds [PDF file] - This is a great news. Yesterday I could speak to someone - completely in German - just for 5 minutes though. The link points to my attempt to translate Ramayana to German.


3. My small trip to Neuschwasnstein, pictures/album.

One more thing is that I am more or less sticking to the decision (the mother decision). I cannot claim that I am doing it 100% though :(.

Have taken the father of all decisions too. That's a pretty strong one that I am not sure what kind of tortures I'll have to endure to keep that.

So much for today. Signing off, Sands.

PS: Read all the details of the shocking news here.
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Facts are Facts

1. I don't like parties.


2. I hate parties where most of them get drunk and speak nonsense.


3. When they start arguing on something and reach heights of nonsense and I cannot argue back(because they are insane). Listening to that crap without being able to protest... feels like I am being raped.


4. Age does not give you maturity. It just comes. Some people never get matured.


5. When you live alone, sometimes you'll be forced to be *formal* - I hate that.

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1. I am intelligent. Actually my IQ would be much above the average.


2. I never had to face any problem in life - that keeps me sober a guy. Not aggressive and not at all hard working (or may be intelligence helped me to survive without putting much efforts - and that's my problem).


3. I have to start working hard. Never have done that earlier!


4. The eleventh hour has come.

Action is powerful than words. I am taking the way of actions - hence the post ends here without elaborating on my troubles.

Taken the "mother of all decisions" (courtesy - jon)

Signing off, Sands.

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