Green with envy

We all are influenced, aren’t we? The people around us, the place where we live, the things we see, our friends, the books we read, etc., etc. - everything influences us.

There are times when something/someone throws an idea in our direction and it would be the best if we jump and grab the idea.

New things, things which were never inside the horizon of our knowledge might simply make us “aroused” and we get involved.

Sometimes we learn what to do? or how to be? and some other times we learn what not to do? and how not to be?. Both are good in their own way. (Perhaps the second group helps us more :) )

Around me, there are a couple of people who really influence me (of course in a positive way). One has to first earn some respect and admiration from me before I take their thoughts seriously and let them influence me. At the same time, it is initially the thoughts themselves which make me respect and admire them.

Yes it is cyclic. Some people get to higher and higher levels of this cycle by being wonderful and terrific; where as some others fall into pits that I would be so sure that they can never be sensible. Even then they teach me what not to do if you want to be sensible!

Well, lately I had NOT been reading books. But I had been reading some random stuff, had been spending time with nice people and I am influenced. That makes me get into a couple of stuff.

1. I am starting a new blog. (link at the end)
2. I am trying to refresh/learn LISP and EMACS
3. I am getting a driver’s licence (Indian licence is not valid here).
4. I am getting fascinated by skiing. Waiting for the steel rod from my leg to be removed. 

(Each colour indicates a source of inspiration/influence) And there are some other stuff as well which I choose not to write to avoid boring you. :)

Now to the title: Some one did make me green with envy. Fortunately, I am already going through the process of making myself ready for getting the thing which made me jealous. So, not soooo envious. But that person, who made me envious has been lately proving to be going higher and higher in the above mentioned circle. Hence this post is in honour of that person.

Signing off, Sands.

PS: The new blog - Two Cents.

I wish her ALL THE BEST

I had been recently talking about the inability of languages to express our innermost feelings. Haven’t you felt it? Emotions are sometimes so intense that there is no way to express them. Of course, there arises a question - “why should we express them?”.

Well, sometimes we do feel to. And in such occasions, languages hinder and we fail. Perhaps the only way is to express them with facial expressions, gestures.

And sometimes we don’t need to express – as we say in Malayalam, “What you heard is sweet, what you haven’t is even sweeter”. So, sometimes not expressing is the better way.

Why would I discuss it here now? Earlier, I’d have said that it was the speaker’s inability than the underdevelopment of languages (it was not about feelings, but something else). And my eye was opened by my cousin sister– who led me to think that it need not be the case. We don’t have to take that blame on us.

She’s getting married in a few days. It’s yet another marriage I am missing – the 3rd one. Three of my cousin sisters’ marriages – I couldn’t make it to any of them. Of course, I do have enough unmarried cousins whose marriages I can attend. But these were the ones of my age group, the close ones and with her, the group is over.

Usually when I and she talk, we just talk and the conversation flows. Today when I rang her up, there were many silent gaps in our conversation. She was slightly angry at me and that made me feel more guilty. And I felt that I couldn’t tell her how happy I am for her, over phone. Of course I spoke the words but I didn’t feel satisfied with that. (She said non-offensively that I have made it a practice to miss marriages. Of course it pricked a bit – very little bit ;) )

It is funny, you know? Showing less of tender emotions and showing less attachment to relatives (true that I don’t love/like someone just because they are related to me) and also being a bit stubborn with my decisions, I have earned a title of “less/non emotional” person. But it need not be the case, right? Not expressed doesn’t mean non-existent.

But do I care about that title? No, I actually don’t! :) The ones who should understand, would understand the way I am. {Is this what is called less emotional? :) }

So, all I wanted to say here is that, I feel slightly bad about missing this one, this marriage. And I wish her a wonderful married life. I wish her from the bottom of my heart ALL THE BEST in life’s store.

Signing off,
Sands.

PS: This post took unusually long time to finish.

PPS: One of my loyal readers (from Dubai) has spotted the change in my writing style and has …. .. .. .. .. … . .. . . . ..!

PPPS: Life is totally interconnected and here it is MY failure if  I didn’t explain it well. I don’t blame the language.

Treating myself with memories

Too frequent posts are perhaps not in the best interest of my readers. Still yesterday afternoon was just so good that I don’t have a choice but gloat! :)

Expecting a hectic week, Yesterday, I thought of treating myself a little. After a rather light forenoon, I decided to take stroll to the nearby lake (well, it used to be nearby when I had the bicycle. But on foot it takes about a good 30 minutes walk)

I carried my book (which is a huge volume of a well celebrated classic – I shall name it after a few days in my next post) with me. I tried reading it while walking – which was hard as my way was mostly through the fields and the nostalgic feeling got over me. I was looking from the field at the student house where I was living last year this time.

After a while I took of my sandals for the more enjoyable barefoot-walking. It reminded me of walking barefoot in the city, last year, with my friend after watching an Opera. :)

Getting closer to the lake, I took a pebble far from the lake, a pebble which would have never expected to visit the lake ever in its lifetime. Even though I usually sit by the side of the lake and throw many pebbles in to it, yesterday I threw only this very single pebble because I wanted it to feel special.

I am sure it would have felt special for being the chosen one to lie at the heart of the lake even though it was not near the lake. And it would always lie in the heart of the lake.

Sitting and lying by the side of the lake, I tried to read the book. I say “tried to read” because my mind was filled with memories that I found myself dreaming than reading. I read only 17 pages in one hour.

I was reflecting on the nice things happening to me. Sometimes I feel that I am perhaps a little too matured for my age. (Even though I feel the other way around – most of the time ;) )

Also, unusual to my style, I found myself folding the corners of many pages of this classic volume – the pages with wonderful quotes – the kind of quotes I’d want to read for someone. Some of those lines even capture my feelings better than I’d be able to express myself.

Then I walked back home in slightly cold weather and am getting prepared for my week for which I am expecting another terrific, wonderful weekend! :)

Have a good week ahead, Sands.

Golden watch and Lost trust

After a long week, I found myself walking home a little earlier than usual. In fact, if my early start of the day at 7 in the morning were to be taken into consideration, 4:00 in the evening was not very early after all.

A friend, who had been distressed with something, had wanted to talk and accompanied me. (A word about him: He usually finds everything so distressing and complains a lot and I happen to be the listener all the time. Why should I take the trouble to do so? I don’t know. But perhaps out of sympathy. And he manages to irritate me almost always :( )

So, on the way, I saw something long shining lying on the road. The first thought was that it would be a small snake or something. But there aren’t any snakes here. Anyway I reached near and found that it was a golden wrist watch.

I picked it up – a ladies’ watch. I didn’t know what to do. Looking ahead, I saw a lady walking ~50 metres away from us. I just thought that it might be hers and we both decided to catch up with her.

Now, on the way I wondered – what if the watch wasn’t hers?! Then it would become my burden to find out the ‘lost and found’ place to give it. I said this aloud and then he told me –“Well, you could get it gift wrapped and present to someone”.

That comment took me by shock. I had better impressions about him. Or perhaps I had the idea that when we present something to someone, we do enjoy it as much as that person does. When I give a painting or a book or anything to someone, I do so because I have put efforts to get the best thing for them. I love the thing which I give – I am giving a piece of my love to them. Giving a gift couldn’t have been considered as ‘getting rid of something’.

I opened my mouth to yell at him, for I was already a bit irritated and had been suddenly angered. Grr… But all I said was this - “You… You don’t understand the whole concept of gifts… You will never” and continued the walk.

Fortunately, it was her watch; She thanked us.

The person who was with me accompanied me to the city as well. Even though it was not the best thing I could ask for, I didn’t think any bad of it as I knew he was upset and might like a company. In the city, while having a coffee, he opened his heart! ;)

About a girl he liked. He, who is doing his masters at the university has lied to her that he is WORKING in a company, to have a better image! Yes, he did confess to me. (By the way, girls, was that a good trick?)

I didn’t know what to say! Wanted to say that there is no wonder he is so unhappy in life. But well, I didn’t say.

If you can’t be honest to a person whom you like, how can you ever be honest?

Now, rewind a few months. He had openly lied to me about something. I caught him and he denied it outright. Giving him the benefit of doubt, I had forgiven him. I was trying to be “Albus Dumbledore” – who gave everyone a second chance.

Now with this open confession of lying to someone, I feel disgusted. I don’t know what to do. Without me and without his cousin to listen to all this whining, he’d feel secluded, alone in the world. And just out of pity, we both have been forgiving him – but now?

Being honest myself and having very very honest friends, I am getting too angry with loss of trust.

Signing off,
Sands.

PS: I know that almost all the drivers say that they are above average drivers. How could that be possible? So don’t bring this to argue with me – when I say I am honest. Trust me or leave it. I don’t care.

PPS: To make things more interesting, he was so kind to let me know the racist person inside him (Looking down at dark coloured Srilankans and also by looking down at the ones who didn’t make it to the University.)  -- what all does this life has in store for one to learn!