23 January 2007

Getting more than I deserve

Yes, I do feel that I am getting more than what I deserve. I am noticing this for quite some time. My friends who read this are supposed to act as if they haven't read this at all.

First case : Personal Relations
I am always good to my friends, for that matter, to anyone I meet. But sometimes I feel that the warmth they give me is much more than what I give them. Let me consider the people at my village. I know, not all of them love me. But the consideration they give is much more than I give them.

I care about almost nobody. I don't bother about any one's feelings. I don't try to make anyone happy. (A few exceptions are there) Still I see people are very good to me.

I don't call up my friends very frequently. It's once in a blue moon, I take actions for contacting them. Or it would be them who contact me regularly. Still I think I am considered to be a better friend than many others. Why Why Why?

There is only reason I can think of. The things I do, the way I behave, the way I treat them - all these seem to be normal to me. But they must be finding it nice and good. How else my judgment be wrong? The thing I think normal is too good for them. Or the other way around - That they are being normal and I find it too good. But the second case below makes me think the first way. (too complicated sentence?)

Second Case: Professional
I had a meeting with professor in the morning. I went to him with the guilty feeling that I did some under-performance during the last few months. I asked him for the feedback of my work during the past few months. To my surprise, he seems to be happy with me. What the heck, I only know how much I screwed up. Still he is happy with what I did. (Don't think the professor got fooled by me. He was a prof in Stanford for 8 years and in TUM for 16 years with a good number of ground breaking results and a guide of so many students)

The same happened earlier too. The work I do/did seems to make everyone happy - even when I am not satisfied with it! This is a very bad situation. The problem must be that I am too much of a perfectionist. Or my level of expectation from me is much more than others' expectation. What I think OK is good for some others.

Third Case: Teaching
This teaching is something which I put quite a lot of effort and not satisfied enough. After every class, the students give a small applause - that formal applause embarrasses me every time. I might have slipped a couple of things and would be feeling so bad that I messed up the whole thing.

So, yesterday I asked the students for feedback - even about the silly mistakes of repeating the same word 100 times in a class. But they seem to be happy (except that I should use much bolder pens to write and should write more structured in the board so that they can note it down easier)

So, finally the post boils down to a "BRAGGING POST". Trust me, I didn't mean anything that way. And what the heck, I don't care whether you think that I am bragging. It's my blog.

Signing off, Sands.

PS1: To my beloved friends. I do love/like you all. It's just that you are so nice to me and you give me more than I give you. I got used to it, so continue to be nice to me :)

PS2: Want to shed the skin of a perfectionist. But I want to be a perfect non-perfectionist. What to do!


Anonymous said...

hearty congrats for third case


Anonymous said...


Frank and open!



Hiran said...

It's god's blessings that things and people are you are good and that you bring so much of positive energy and attitude wherever you go.

Hiran said...

I meant `people around you' and not `people are you'.

Peelikkutty!!!!! said...

I care about almost nobody. I don't bother about any one's feelings. I don't try to make anyone happy. (A few exceptions are there) Still I see people are very good to me.

..same pinch!:-)

lakshmi said...

sandy nee eeyideyayi nannayi ezhuthunnu
u knw..not in the sense of wonderful language...its good ofcourse
but..something more..oru tharam aardratha angane entho parayille..
i was feeling too lazy to comment..paksha vannu vayichu ishtapettittu parayathe pokunnathu moshamalle :)